I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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