i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
