if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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