This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
