I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
