oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
