Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
