I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
