Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
