Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
