Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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