OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
