I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
