Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize