I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
