At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize