Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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