You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
