you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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