I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize