all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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