u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
