She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
