Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
