I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize