that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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