You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
