Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
