dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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