So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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