i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
