i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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