Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
