why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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