I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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