She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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