we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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