come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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