Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize