There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
