Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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