Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize