high people should be assigned attendants
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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