I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
