If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
