apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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