it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
