I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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