I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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