I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
