You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
