I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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