the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
