Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
