Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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