listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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