he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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