i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
