I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize